My description of my depression!

This is my way of so far of describing the feelings of depression:

I am not sad, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am not in a bad mood with the world. What I am is depressed! I look at it this way. I feel like I am carrying a full length mirror in front of me where ever I go. Imagine that!

Looking into my mirror I only see me. The world is all about me. What I see is me and where I have been. Its really hard to see into the future when your past is blocking your view. I look at myself constantly, criticising everything I am and everything I do.

Think about it, when you step out of the shower and look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see? I always seem to find the things that are wrong with me the easiest, and once they have been bought to my attention, they seem to be the only things I am able to focus on.  Like the big hips, the freckle in the wrong place, the pimple on the nose, the big bruise on my leg.  However, with depression, its not the physical things, its the mental thoughts that make it hard to see the good over the bad.

I can see people getting on with their everyday lives in my periphial vision, and try my hardest to keep up with them, but as you can imagine everything becomes a bit of a blur. I keep on trucking, but my memory isn't as good because I'm just trying to focus on getting around without being hurt or falling over.  The dreams and goals are obscured by the everyday tasks that have to be completed.  Ironic thing is, like looking into a mirror, you can see the past and where you have come from, but find it really hard to focus on the future and know what direction to head.

Also, like carrying a mirror in front of you, depression makes it hard to get around, trying to have a conversation with someone when you are staring at yourself is quite a challenge.  So too is socialising when you have depression.  Its easier just to sit at home, isolated, that way you don't need to try and manoevre yourself round obstacles so you don't get hurt, and conversations don't need to be tiresome, because you can just switch off. 

Things you used to enjoy become a hassle, have you ever tried swimming while holding a mirror in front of you?  Or riding a bike, or hiking, or even drawing a picture?   A challenge that is easier just to push aside and forget.

When all you can see is yourself, you start analysing every little thing that you do, or have done. Reflection is key to a mirror, and ironically plays a big part in depression.  I reflect on what has been done or I am doing and find everything, that I could have or could be doing better, focus on those negativities, and then like the pimple on the end of the nose, it becomes the main focus of my thinking.

This is the start to my journey to remove my mirror from my life and find a window that lets me see the world in a clear happy way. Please follow my journey with me.  Not only do I do this for me, but hopefully will help others in my situation and people who know others in my situation to understand what its like.